To see the old quotes, click here.
These are funny things that were said by me, my friends, my family, and people I just happened to overhear. These don't have any dates or context, and
names have been removed because I either forgot them, or I don't wish to reveal the names of who said them. Enough chit-chat, here are the quotes!
"I don't have to go postal on the postal service."
"I talk to you when you're out of body, does that make me scary?"
"Ow! Ow! Now I need a double dose of aspirin!"
"Don't ask me why I'm talking about poking people's vital parts out with candy canes."
"Being literally half asleep messes up one's depth perception."
"I find it saves time if only half of me sleeps at once. My halves sleep in shifts."
"I can sleep and do crossword puzzles at the same time."
"I told him I hd stick-outs."
"I hate keyboard face!"
"You must contact the Rodent Renewal Service."
"You disconn-bloody-ected!"
"Why would I want to be deleted?"
"I missed the men. I said 'Ahh' instead of men."
"You can wear pointy sleeves. You're the choir director."
"My hair has a mind of its own, no matter what I do with it, it finds a way to annoy me."
"Yes! Time loops!" "Anything like Froot Loops?" "Nope! But part of a balanced breakfast nonetheless."
"What kind of -icide is that, I wonder?"
"Well, I sorta just mucked about in mine. They're dead."
"Hmm, now where did I put those Neil Young lyrics?"
"Why did I say X-File? I meant History file!"
"I need to stop throwing famous landmarks at Amy Flamey and get to bed now."
"Sorry, I thought we were making random comic book noises."
"Who's in it?" "Gwyneth Paltrow and some guys I can't think of the names of. And the train. I like the train. I AM the train."
"My synapses are having a total gratuitous existance failure."
"Would you still love me if I had six legs, scaly skin, and secreted slimy mucous all over your furniture?"
"Here come the brides, all dressed in black."
"You're kinda specky compared to me, but not by much."
"I'm numerical now!"
"I'm marrying the meaning of the universe!"
"Ack! Stray phantom message from last night!"
"You're not the weather people!"
"You have too much time on your hands." "Yeah, all 3 of them."
"I just entered a REALLY odd mood provoked by a friend's letter and I want to play Bank Robbery."
"OBEY! Or I shall unplug you!"
"Hey, cool! You laughed! That emotion chip works!"
"You find my disconnected cells funny?"
"Neurons are funny."
"My ex looks like the guy on the 1-800-CALL-ATT ads after being attacked by a mad dentist who placed every tooth he ever pulled into the mouth of one individual."
"I want a catalystic immoblizer!"
"Where did that come from?" "I don't know, left field?"
"If you do that, I'll have to counter-react with my bug-eyed, flappy-eared, I-just-sucked-a-lemon look!"
"Don't mahe me steal all your duct tape."
"Are you a glow-in-the-dark teenaged hermaphrodite?"
"That's a hologram. The real me is on vacation. Have a nice day."
"Don't those lizard-faced, brain-dead dipshits turn you on?"
"Make it pic-like. Makeup optional."
"My name is Boogaloo Betty. You stole my ding-dong. Prepare to eat frozen fish!"
"No personality found, (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)o on Springer?"
"Kenny-killings always work."
"Fine! Kill the bunny! But beware! It might be reincarnated!"
"See? This is how you converse!"
"Help! I'm being assaulted by Monty Python characters!"
"Yoo-hoo, Mr. Psychic Elevator..."
"I like long adjectives that start with vowels."
"No wonder I had a lemur crawl on me, it was you!"
"I may have to make up a Hot Lips for him."
"Bye, Ellie-Woman! Ellie-Woman, walking down the street, Ellie-Woman, the kind I'd like to meet, Ellie-Woman!"
"The paperdolls are concerned."
"We can talk through it, and it's not as crowded this way."
"You got a half point out of three Popsicles."
"That's not a doorbell, that's a roadrunner!"
"Whatcha doing over there?" "Staining my little girl."
"Hey! Who turned me into a smurf?"
"If I'm ever going to go cannibal, I'll have to remember not to start with you."
"Yay! I'm gonna make kids go in a meat grinder!"
"How can I? I've been sent to my room!" "I un-room you."
"I love poofing the Monkeyman."
"You'll build what, the money?"
"Sorry about the delay, part of my hair came un-Medusaed."
"Aieegghh! I'm being bombarded by collections of moist soil, launched from a flexible paddle-like appendage!"
"Are you a barometer?"
"I want to be a font."
"I have no eyes! You have stepped on both my eyes! I have no eyes and I must scream."
"Don't make me Monday you."
"Whoa, WBS has been Mondayed!"
"WBS is Monday. Metaphorically speaking."
"How do you Monday someone into a frappucino?"
"I don't have the poop font."
"How do you give someone a font?"
"While your conscious mind would never notice such a thing, your unconscious mind is juat freaking out, saying,'Whoa, back the truck up,' and you're having odd dreams and acting out. It's not good."
"You can't be Monday-proof."
"The Mondaying Bureau suggests you sleep in."
"I wanna be able to flip universes! I want a universe-flipper!"
"My Beanie Baby is teaching me chemistry."
"Apply pressure and enjoy."
"Perhaps I should have thrown in a charmingly-named font for good measure."
"HEY! Easter Island is MY throwy-thing!"
"Ack, how rude. It should never be permanent."
"You'll thank yourself later. Unless you have Mondayed dreams."
"I want to add it to my Collection of Freaky Movies."
"Oh, and why did you electrocute me yesterday?" "Because it was a lot less messy than blowing you to smithereens with a bomb, why do you ask?"
"Of course if you DID die daily, you could change your name to Kenny."
"I'm not about to go exploding or electrocuting myself for something that's not gonna work."
"Happy now?" "Yes. Even though I went to the Environment Simulator with the Reset Button and CLICKED THE RESET BUTTON!" "You clicked it and?" "It reset!"
"Amazing how many things there are that would have been influential to that SIMM."
"Siblings are a source of misery and torment."
"I'm back, with ice cream and power steering fluid."
"Nobody has, and nobody ever will, and if anyone thinks they have, either they're delusional, or it was swamp gas."
"We need to make sure we can get out without dying permanently."
"No! I'm the Stealer of It."
"You.... You incriminating, non-mustache wearing YOU!"
"Quit! Quit, stay home, and listen to your stolen item all day."
"Damn, now I'm defending YOUR point!"
"You`ve been watching Sliding Doors too much."
"Purple may look too... The Artist Formerly Known As Prince-ish."
"If you make the guy wear a dress, he's a bridesmaid."
"Has Chaos described poofing to you?"
"Help! I'm being attacked by parodies!"
"It's fun to be Random."
"I found the feta! It was behind the vaccines."
"How old is Round-Head?"
"It's always good to have naked people woth extra appendages on your jewelry."
"Oooh! She's all lifty and visible!"
"She's like a big bad strawberry!"
"Call me the Visible Lift Woman. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside."
"I was gonna change The Thirteenth Floor to The Fifteenth Floor just because I'm twisted."
"I think I get to sing the theme to Ally McBeal, lock myself in the bathroom, and do crossword puzzles all night."
"Total molecular cessation. You don't see that every day."
"Sometimes my mind wanders. Do NOT interpret this literally."
"Kentucky Fried Cat... Could be."
"Mine's just kind of there, plopped on my head and black."
"Something terrible just happened... Some strange-voiced man asked if I'd ever imagined owning all my facorite AM radio songs for $12.99!"
"I clicked the thirteen!"
"Gaaah, I missed air."
"Bye! Think of me tonight and wake up screaming!"
"You may just hit your nose really hard trying to walk away if you don't believe in it."
"That circular continuity can get awfully odd."
"It's kind of like revolving credit card debt, only far more dreary."
"I deleted you once for not taking me seriously."
"If I get to be Scully, I want to be DANA Scully."
"You have to be Pam because you wouldn't make a very convinving Bernard."
"Nothy night!"
"I unload my nostrils upon you! You second-hand, electrified donkey-bottom biter!"
"I wasn't ignoring you, I was deliberately not paying attention to you."
"This insane man with a greasy spatula and shrunken policemen in his pocket broke into my house and used all my eggs to make an exploding omelette."
"You said 'extrapolating.' That's on my list of cool words, along with 'defenestration', 'insidiously', 'viscosity', 'insipid', 'infinitesimal', 'existential', 'interference', 'involvement', 'incident', 'interception', 'Paul Newman', err... wrong list."
"I just got a post from someone who's not here! Cool!"
"It could be an alien name. I am Modnar of Reticula!"
"I did a bad thing, imploding the Universe."
"If I were a female squirrel, I would be very turned on right now."
"Excuse me while I enter Crappy Rapper Mode."
"OK, that was an interesting bit of 'What If...'."
"Don't make me tell him you called him a she."
"You're cute! Keep me!"
"That's right, you came in mid-thingy."
"ACK! It's self-continuity!"
"I seem to have abandoned my Scully-ness."
"I haven't really watched it enough to act Frasier-ish."
"Have you ever been either electrocuted, shot, stabbed, er... I'm doing the order wrong. Have you ever done the order wrong?"
"Will and Grace ate my background music."
"You know, one of these days that is actually going to work, and then won't WE freak out?"
"I'm definately debate material."
"You can't have that; my other handle stole it."
"Giving mailmen hernias is fun."
"Don't thwap storms. Bad idea."
"She may be visible and lifty, but she could harbor the heart of a killer."
"I'd love to die a few times."
"If you squeeze them real hard, they rip."
"Colorize already!"
"My hair is crunchy!"
"Wait, you don't have eyes. I stepped on them, remember?"
"You don't have an eyeball to stand on."
"I'm made of comparatively slow little particles."
"Neutrons are OK, I like them on my breakfast cereal."
"We'll make you an atom jockey yet!"
"Something just occured to me... Why are neutrons and pretty flowers supposed to be scary?"
"Don't play in the particle accelerator."
"WHY are we talking about freaky things in science?"
"Hey, I'm a neutron-free zone! Back off, Neutron Accelerator Lady! Or I'll throw a verb at you!"
"I'm permanently invisible to him."
"You can shoot him when you build your own anti-matter ray."
"A little less talking and a little faster building, please, unless you want a neutron up your butt."
"A GOOD mad scientist has backup."
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be in little pieces now?"
"A mass of little splattered bits can not grin evilly."
"Coffee? Tea? Annoying music of the 60's?"
"I'm in a weird mood! Have a snow globe!"
"Who was before the David David?"
"He's got the second syllable of every name."
"Intersect, please."
"I like people whose clothes blend into the background."
"Silly man, never try to slap a hologram."
"I'd feel like a cave man without a bear."
"You might could like to go straighten up in Menswear."
"You can't be a lesbian! You're a guy!"
"I don't really fix air conditioners, I just like to spy on physicists."
